It's been said, Hindsight is 20/20. When I was dating my husband, I was slightly oblivious to how much of a role in-laws and extended family would play in our relationship. In fact just a few months after we were married, I had driven to the mall to go to the bookstore. I was looking for a book to help with some of the struggles we were facing. In the store window, on display, was a book by Brent Barlow titled, "Just For Newlyweds." I thumbed through the pages and decided to purchase it. The principle I found to be so profound and the one I remember clearly from that book was his description of a newly married couple happily driving off into the sunset, alone. He went on to explain that even though it's just the two of you, as you check the rearview mirror, you will see your in-laws and extended family... and they will ALWAYS be there. I have learned the importance of these relationships and how beneficial they can be.

In the Bible, Genesis 2:24, states “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife."  This scripture helps us understand that our spouse needs to be our number one priority. Our parents and families have played a vital part in our lives and we should continue to honor and respect them however, our allegiance should now be first and foremost to our relationship as husband and wife. 

Now as a mother-in-law myself, I am sensitive to respecting the relationship of my children with their spouses. I try to make both my daughters-in-law and son-in-law feel that they are important parts of our growing family and everyone is loved and accepted in our home. I also strive to support my married children in their relationships with their in-laws. Peace and harmony in these relationships will only help strengthen homes and families. There will always be differences and struggles in personalities within families. However, when we keep an eternal perspective and truly look for the good instead of being judgemental, we will be blessed for our efforts. As stated in the Family Proclamation, "The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave." Knowing this truth should inspire us to give this highest priority. 

The book of Genesis, we learn about the creation of our first parents. Adam and Eve. In Chapter 2:18 it reads, "And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helpmeet for him."

The definition of the word helpmeet is - "a helpful companion or partner, especially one's husband or wife." I think it important to recognize a few things here. A man and a woman are equal partners. In the depictions we see of Adam and Eve, they are always walking side by side, not one in front of the other, but literally and figuratively, side by side, supporting and encouraging one another. God has created it this way for a divine purpose. In, "The Family, A Proclamation to the World," it states: "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." 

Though we have different abilities and responsibilities, as husband and wife, we are commanded to support one another in our roles. As we do so we will witness many blessing as stated in this excerpt by Richard G. Miller,

"Parents… should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard all the time. The husband should treat his wife with the utmost
courtesy and respect. The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children… The wife, also, should treat the husband with the greatest respect and courtesy. Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic. She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him… Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home ."(Joseph F.
Smith, Gospel Doctrine, pp. 283–284).

As I have tried to do this in my own marriage, it has brought a sweet spirit into our home and family. I am not perfect but as I put forth my best efforts, I recognize the difference it makes. Mutual love and respect for one another teach many lessons that are best learned and practiced in our homes.

                                                                                                                                                            References:

Miller, Richard B., “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009

Importance of Fidelity in Marriage

Satan is real! He is working hard to break up families by encouraging many so-called innocent relationships between those of the opposite gender. Some may be tempted to "justify" these friendships as they are co-workers, neighbors, ward members, etc. However, we must remember that Satan is also subtle. He has a way of luring people into relationships or situations that can become extremely dangerous. He is always trying to find a way to destroy the family, particularly marriage between husband and wife. We must be ever vigilant in protecting and nourishing our marriages. We can do this by honoring marital vows with complete fidelity as stated in, "The Family, A Proclamation to the World."  We must ever be grateful (and faithful) for our spouse.

In his book, H. Wallace Goodard shares several suggestions that can help us prevent trouble or temptations. My favorite was this one which states:

"Celebrate the sweet gift of companionship. The amazing message from our marriage partner is. "I am trusting you with my life, my body, my hopes, my dreams. Please be kind and gentle." Each of us should rejoice in the sacred gift of spousal trust. If we have squandered any part of it, we should work to re-qualify for it."

Isn't that beautiful? It is a powerful message for each of us to consider. We have chosen to be with our spouse and have trusted our whole souls to them and them to us. We must cherish this union! We won't be perfect at this but as we put forth our best efforts and include the Lord in our relationship, he will help us be successful and withstand the trials we will inevitably face.

 I also loved the quote that Goddard shares in his book from a wise colleague of his, James Marshall. "The grass is greener on the side of the fence you water. If we tend our own little patch, even with all its weeds and rocks, we will find a joy that passes understanding. If we sit on the fence and dream, we will lose our allotted garden spot. And the devil knows that."

What an incredible visual this is! It is easy to find fault and think the grass might be greener somewhere else from time to time. However, this is a message directly from Satan himself. Don't entertain it! Instead, let us be grateful and seek the good in our spouse. I am reminded of a quote from our dear prophet, Russell M. Nelson from a conference talk a few years back, he stated, "My dear brothers and sisters, the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives." When we focus on the marriage covenant and remaining on the covenant path and its great importance in Heavenly Father's plan, we will find joy in loving, serving, strengthening and being a faithful spouse no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in.

                                                                               References

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage : Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships. Cedar Hills, UT : JoymapPub., c2009.

Six Magic Hours

It has been enlightening to read, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” by John M. Gottman. He shares wonderful insight and powerful knowledge. This week, as I finished the book, I was impressed with the section called, “Afterword: What Now? In this section, he addressed how learning and living the seven principles can really change the marriage relationship. After following up with couples that attended Dr. Gottman’s workshops they found that those couples whose marriages were successful had a common thread. These couples were devoting time each day/week to activities that would draw them closer as a couple and strengthen the bonds of their marriage. Dr. Gottman refers to this as the “Magic Six Hours.”

This includes:

Partings- making sure before we part for the day we are aware of a least one thing on our spouses' schedule. (Being in touch and connected with each other's activities.)   

Reunions-A kiss and a hug that lasts at least six seconds. (I know when my husband comes straight to me for a kiss when he walks in the door, it makes me feel that I am important to him.)

Admiration and Appreciation-Finding a way to communicate gratitude and affection every day toward your spouse. (Appreciating the things our spouse does well instead of dwelling on the little things that annoy us will help us develop more charity in our marriage.)

Affection-Show physical affection towards each other and always embrace before going to sleep. (Affection is a vital key to marriage. Even just holding hands brings a special connection.)

Weekly Date-Relaxing, romantic way to stay connected. (Never stop dating your spouse!)

State of the Union Meeting-Spend an hour once a week to talk about your relationship. Take time to reflect on what is going well, what you can improve on, express gratitude for each other, etc.(This is something I want to implement. It also helps to strengthen our love maps.)

I really appreciated these suggestions. I can see the benefit they could be to improving a marriage. I also want to print and hang this quote from Dr. Gottman on my bathroom mirror to help alleviate the guilt I feel when I don’t make it to the gym.:)

“Remember, working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club.”

                                                                                  References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work : A Practical Guide From the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert (Vol. [Second edition]). New York: Harmony.

Affection Between Mother and Father Has Powerful Positive Impact on Children

This morning I was on the treadmill at the gym when the TV screen caught my attention. A  young mother, father, and baby around 9 months old were engaged in a sweet experiment. The mother was holding the baby and dad leaned in to kiss the baby gently on the cheek. Little emotion from the baby was evident from the kiss from her dad however, when dad leaned instead to kiss the mother, the baby just lit up with smiles and clapped her tiny hands. This experiment showed the impact that a mother and fathers love for each other has on their child.

Sometimes those little expressions of affection we sometimes take for granted are huge in the eyes of our children and families. It brings kids a sense of well-being as well as a sense of security and belonging when they observe small acts of kindness and affection between their parents. H. Wallace Goddard, in his book, "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage," talks about appreciating the "every day" in marriage.  He says, "Those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories. They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time." (Goddard, 2009, p. 109).

On the contrary, Lynn G. Robbins warns against being vulnerable to Satan's primary target, the family. Satan is waging war on these vital and precious relationships. In Robbin's address, "Agency and Anger," he shares an interesting analogy about stirring up anger. He says, "He(Satan) damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes. His strategy is to stir up anger between family members. Satan is the "father of contention and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another"(3Nephi 11:29). The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster. Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers."

We must be careful to cherish these relationships and work hard at cultivating them. In Col. 3:19, 21, it states. "Husbands love your wives, and be not bitter against them," and "fathers provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged." As we follow this counsel and also turn to the Lord for guidance we can win the battle against Satan. We can have relationships that are perpetuated beyond the grave that will be full of happiness and joy.  

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage : powerful principles with eternal results. Cedar Hills, UT : JoymapPub., c2009.

Pride Is An Enemy To Marriage

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, we are all aware that the natural man is an enemy to God. Along these same lines, pride is an enemy to marriage. It drives couples away from rather than turning toward one another in love and unity. In his monumental address, "Beware of Pride," Ezra Taft Benson stated, "Unity is impossible for a proud people, and unless we are one, we are not the Lord's." If we are not careful, we will find ourselves guilty of pointing out the faults in our spouse instead of working on our own imperfections.

In the book, "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage," H. Wallace Goddard shares an example of a newly married woman who learned that an exercise to strengthen marriage was to share regularly the things that they found annoying with each other. So, she sat down with her husband and volunteered to go first. She proceeded to tell him how much she disliked the way he ate a grapefruit because he ate it like you would an orange, by peeling it first. She just couldn't understand how she could be expected to live with someone who ate a grapefruit like this. It was then his turn to share his displeasure of her. He hesitated and then sweetly told his companion that quite frankly he couldn't think of anything at all that he didn't like about her. She was shocked and felt terrible for her unkind words and how frivolous this was.

The opposite of pride is humility. When we are humble, we are teachable. When we are teachable, we are willing to work toward making our marriage a celestial one. Putting our spouse's needs and interests before our own and turning toward each other will help us stay on the right path of strengthening our marriage.  We will learn to overlook the unimportant things that bother us and instead focus on the ways we are blessed to be eternal companions.

References:

Benson, E. T. (1989, April 1). Beware of Pride. Retrieved from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints: https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Goddard, W. L. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing. doi:ISBN: 9781441486547

The Importance of A Strong Foundation

Last week I shared the analogy of putting together two halves of a manufactured house to create a home. I discussed that significant effort will be needed to mesh these two halves together. However, first and foremost we must be sure to build a strong foundation for which our new house will be given the best chances of stability and success. Without a strong foundation, our house, (or marriage) will crumble, just like the house that was built upon the sand. This week while reading again from "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, I learned ideas that will contribute to the "strength" of the foundation. Gottman talks about the four pillars of Shared meaning: Rituals of Connection, Support For Each Others Roles, Shared Goals, and Shared Values and Symbols. As couples work together at building shared meaning, it strengthens their relationship as a couple as improves family life altogether.

One experience shared in the book that really stood out to me was of a couple who grew closer together as they showed interest in learning about each other's extended families and the results that came from sharing with each other. Here is the account:

" For the first time, Helen and Kevin spoke earnestly about their own families, their family histories, values, and symbols. When they returned home, Helen took out her families old photo album and showed Kevin pictures of her great-grandparents who had come to America from Ireland. She told him the story she had heard countless times about her great-grandparents' marriage-how they had become engaged before he left for America. He then remained true and devoted to her great-grandmother during the four long years it took to save up enough money to bring her over too. The message of this story, she had come to understand was that loyalty is one of the backbones of marriage and family life. He himself reminisced about some of his own family tales-especially about his grandmother who single-handedly ran a general store in rural  Kansas and almost went broke because she was always giving away free food to poor neighbors during the depression. Kevin told Helen how that perspective had infused his own adulthood- from his insistence that they make large charitable contributions."(p. 262)

After this experience, Helen and Kevin talked often about values such as loyalty and generosity that was instilled in them by hearing family stories as they grew up. They respected each other's heritage and vowed to carry on these traditions in their own family. They felt connected.

I thought about how knowing the history of our family really does connect us. It makes us feel part of something important. Marriage is the beginning of a new family. We must do all in our power to cultivate, nourish and protect this sacred union.  In Doctrine and Covenants 64:13, it states, 'Wherefore be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."  

As we make daily, even hourly efforts to strengthen our marriages and families we will be like the wise man (and woman)who built his house upon the rock (foundation). And when the winds came down and the floods came up, the house upon the rock stood still.

Building A House...Together

One important element of marriage is sacrifice. As we learn to sacrifice our own needs and wants, we are contributing to the building of a covenant marriage. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard, shares an example that really resonated with me. He states, "When I think about applying the principles of sacrifice to marriage I think of the allegory of a man who had two friends in the manufactured-home business. When he wanted a new house, he asked each friend to send him half a house. He gave no plans. He provided no specifications on size or style. He left them to design as they would. So each friend sent a lovely half-house. When the two halves arrived at the sight, they were jarringly different. Rooms did not line up. Utilities did not match up. Roofs and walls between the two halves did not connect."

Goddard goes on to explain that this can be likened to marriage. Each of us is created in a unique family and have grown up with different parents, siblings, circumstances, and traditions. Even if two people have similar beliefs and backgrounds there are still many differences that will arise.

In a covenant marriage, couples work through their differences together with respect, patience, long-suffering and of course, love. Goddard continues with reference to the allegory,

“We covenant to bring all to the altar. The Lord cannot bless what we will not bring. He asks that we bring our whole souls to Him so that He can transform us. If we are willing to let Him be the carpenter, He can blend the two half-houses together.” I have seen this in my own marriage as my husband and I have struggled through trials together. Ironically, some of these trials have actually made us stronger as a couple.

The outcome of our sacrifices in marriage will often bring forth blessing more abundant than we deserve. It may not be immediate to see the fruits of our labors but as we learn time and time again in the scriptures, “By small and simple things are great things brought to pass."

Vital Key to Marriage-FRIENDSHIP

 "Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday..."Is a quote from the classic movie, "The Princess Bride."  Much research has been done to figure out why some marriages stay together and why others fail. John M. Gottman is the author of a book called, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." He introduces the idea that the most important aspect of marriage is actually, friendship. This is an incredibly simple but profound principle. It just makes sense. When we are friends with someone, we care about their interests, we enjoy being together, we share secrets, we laugh, we cry, we eat, and we make memories. Friendships are a vital part of life. When our spouse is our best friend, this can truly be "the best of the best." 

As we are all well aware, no marriage is perfect. Men and women are different. We each have unique strengths, weaknesses, and abilities. When we commit to marriage, we live and learn together and experience successes and failures. One way we can enjoy greater happiness in marriage is to put our spouses' interests before our own. When we do this, we are putting off the natural man. In the Book of Mormon, specifically Mosiah 3:19, says, "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love..."   

This will take lots of practice but as we follow these steps, to be submissive, meek, humble, patient, and full of love, we will enjoy more unity in marriage, happiness in our families and love in our lives.

To finish the quote from the movie,

"Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam...And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva... So tweasure your wuv."

The Love Triangle- A Spiritual Perspective

As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are blessed to be taught by those who are called as prophets, apostles, and general authorities. They are directed by the Lord and we are promised that they will never lead us astray. Bruce C. Hafen, of the seventy, shares insightful council with regard to the marriage covenant we make in the temple. He contrasted this with the contract that one makes when they are married civilly. This is yet another example of the difference between a worldly view and a Godly perspective. Brother Hafen describes a contract companionship as one in which each partner gives 50%. However, in a covenant companionship, each spouse gives 100%.  As I pondered this idea, I contemplated how I can better be one that gives 100%. It really is a win-win situation. I can’t think of a drawback of being “all in.” In my experience, of being cognizant of the words I use, and the efforts to serve, love, and honor my spouse, I usually find it comes back to bless me tenfold.

President Russell M. Nelson continually encourages us to stay on the covenant path. Part of this covenant path is honoring the marriage covenant we make in the Lord’s holy house.  When we put Him first and center our lives on Jesus Christ, our marriages can be strengthened. David A Bednar beautifully taught that we can picture ourselves in our marriage relationship with the Lord at the center, in a triangle format, The Lord is at the top and each spouse on a bottom corner. As we look to him and walk the covenant path, we not only become more like Him, as we move toward Him, but as we do so, we become closer to each other as well. I appreciated this visual analogy. (See image below).

President Henry B. Eyring said "It is only with the companionship of the Holy Ghost that we can hope to be equally yoked in a marriage free from discord. I have seen how that companionship is crucial for felicity in marriage. The miracle of becoming one requires the help of heaven, and it takes time. Our goal is to live together forever in the presence of Heavenly Father and our Savior."  As we strengthen our covenant marriage relationship, not only will we be blessed but our families will reap the benefits as well.

Unfortunately, Satan is real and works hard at destroying the very thing he will never have. Brother Hafen describes three types of wolves that every marriage is tested by, natural adversity, our own imperfections, and excessive individualism. We will all face adversity. No one is immune. Our trials are given to help us recognize our dependence on the Lord, the love he has for us, and to help refine us in becoming like Him. In marriage, as we turn to each other for support in trials, they are easier to bear and bring us closer together.  None of us are perfect. In marriage, we can learn to be tolerant and communicate with one another, kindly, as we strive to overcome our weaknesses and imperfections. Finally, the world we live in is full of pressure to be selfish. This is not the Lord’s way, nor does it bring lasting happiness. With the Lord’s help, we can work at overcoming these various temptations. As we do so we will see the Lord guiding us in the right direction on the covenant path together that leads us back to Him. 

It’s no surprise that we live in a day and age where wickedness abounds. I recall Richard G. Scott, a former apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, state the fact that church and government use to be more aligned in principle. However, the government has gradually taken a turn off course and continues to head in an opposite direction taking on worldly views and embracing public opinion. An example of this is shown in the Supreme Court ruling of same-sex marriage that was passed in 2014. A total of 9 Justices were to determine our fate. There were four that argued against this law however, five argued for the law to be passed.

 In contrast, as members of the church, we are blessed to have a living prophet and apostles that teach us correct principles and standards set by the Lord that will always remain constant. In, “The Family A Proclamation to the World,” it clearly states, “…Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God…” I love the words of our living prophet who said, "There is great power in a strong partnership. True partners can achieve more than the sum of each acting alone. With true partners, one plus one is much more than two…And in marriage, a husband and wife can form the most significant partnership of all—an eternal family."

I strongly believe that as we put our best efforts into our marriages and families, we will be able to resist the evils around us and stand firm in our beliefs. It is also our responsibility to speak out on this issue regarding the sanctity of marriage. We will be faced with varying degrees of opinion but we must believe in and uphold marriage and family as these relationships are the most important.  It will be well worth the effort now and forever.

 Quote of the week:

As a young girl, I believed in fairy tales especially the love stories that ended with “Happily Ever After.” In my young mind, it just effortlessly happened. I observed my parents and knew they were in love and had deep respect for one another. This brought great stability to my life. I was happy, social, and thriving. Unfortunately, when I was 11 years old, my father (and hero) passed away unexpectantly at the age of 39 which shattered my world for a time. As hard as it was on me, it was more heartbreaking to see my mom go through this loss as a single mother of four young children. The one thing that was certain and brought me comfort and peace then as it still does now, is that my dad loved my mom and they honored their marriage vows and were happy together. When I was dating and contemplating marriage, I received a piece of advice I have never forgotten. He said, “The very best thing you can do for your future family is to love your husband.” At the time, I didn’t know how much I would come to treasure these words of wisdom. My husband and I recently celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary. Over the years together, we have experienced a wide range of joy, happiness, laughter, trials, heartache, and tears. Though far from perfect, through it all, our love and commitment to one another has been unfailing. Our focus has been on strengthening the bonds within our family and keeping an eternal perspective. It hasn’t been easy but it has definitely been worth it. We have been blessed with good parents who have been great examples to us about what a healthy and happy marriage is and the meaning it brings to the family. I am aware of many, some very close to me, that are in troubled relationships. It pains me to see their struggles. Sadly, many marriages will end in divorce, sometimes it is inevitable. However, I love the counsel given by one of our church leaders, Dallin H. Oaks. He states, “A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to striving together toward perfection." If both are willing to put selfishness aside and look for ways to lift and love, efforts will not go unnoticed and often relationships can be strengthened. In the world we live in today, there is a wide variation on what marriage is. It seems the traditional definition has been lost and the sanctity of marriage has been trampled. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are blessed to have a prophet and apostles on the earth to help us navigate through the myriad of opinions and beliefs about marriage. “The Family, A Proclamation to the World,” states, “Marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” It is not my intent to brag or boast. I simply am grateful for my circumstances and those that have been an example to me. It is my hope to share a few insights and lessons learned that might benefit someone else. I am grateful for those who have taught and mentored me in my life. Through the years of my marriage, I have learned that “Happily Ever After” doesn’t just happen. It requires work, commitment, respect, service, selflessness, and love. As we put in the effort our lives will be deeply enriched and well as the lives of our families.