The Importance of A Strong Foundation

Last week I shared the analogy of putting together two halves of a manufactured house to create a home. I discussed that significant effort will be needed to mesh these two halves together. However, first and foremost we must be sure to build a strong foundation for which our new house will be given the best chances of stability and success. Without a strong foundation, our house, (or marriage) will crumble, just like the house that was built upon the sand. This week while reading again from "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, I learned ideas that will contribute to the "strength" of the foundation. Gottman talks about the four pillars of Shared meaning: Rituals of Connection, Support For Each Others Roles, Shared Goals, and Shared Values and Symbols. As couples work together at building shared meaning, it strengthens their relationship as a couple as improves family life altogether.

One experience shared in the book that really stood out to me was of a couple who grew closer together as they showed interest in learning about each other's extended families and the results that came from sharing with each other. Here is the account:

" For the first time, Helen and Kevin spoke earnestly about their own families, their family histories, values, and symbols. When they returned home, Helen took out her families old photo album and showed Kevin pictures of her great-grandparents who had come to America from Ireland. She told him the story she had heard countless times about her great-grandparents' marriage-how they had become engaged before he left for America. He then remained true and devoted to her great-grandmother during the four long years it took to save up enough money to bring her over too. The message of this story, she had come to understand was that loyalty is one of the backbones of marriage and family life. He himself reminisced about some of his own family tales-especially about his grandmother who single-handedly ran a general store in rural  Kansas and almost went broke because she was always giving away free food to poor neighbors during the depression. Kevin told Helen how that perspective had infused his own adulthood- from his insistence that they make large charitable contributions."(p. 262)

After this experience, Helen and Kevin talked often about values such as loyalty and generosity that was instilled in them by hearing family stories as they grew up. They respected each other's heritage and vowed to carry on these traditions in their own family. They felt connected.

I thought about how knowing the history of our family really does connect us. It makes us feel part of something important. Marriage is the beginning of a new family. We must do all in our power to cultivate, nourish and protect this sacred union.  In Doctrine and Covenants 64:13, it states, 'Wherefore be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."  

As we make daily, even hourly efforts to strengthen our marriages and families we will be like the wise man (and woman)who built his house upon the rock (foundation). And when the winds came down and the floods came up, the house upon the rock stood still.

Building A House...Together

One important element of marriage is sacrifice. As we learn to sacrifice our own needs and wants, we are contributing to the building of a covenant marriage. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard, shares an example that really resonated with me. He states, "When I think about applying the principles of sacrifice to marriage I think of the allegory of a man who had two friends in the manufactured-home business. When he wanted a new house, he asked each friend to send him half a house. He gave no plans. He provided no specifications on size or style. He left them to design as they would. So each friend sent a lovely half-house. When the two halves arrived at the sight, they were jarringly different. Rooms did not line up. Utilities did not match up. Roofs and walls between the two halves did not connect."

Goddard goes on to explain that this can be likened to marriage. Each of us is created in a unique family and have grown up with different parents, siblings, circumstances, and traditions. Even if two people have similar beliefs and backgrounds there are still many differences that will arise.

In a covenant marriage, couples work through their differences together with respect, patience, long-suffering and of course, love. Goddard continues with reference to the allegory,

“We covenant to bring all to the altar. The Lord cannot bless what we will not bring. He asks that we bring our whole souls to Him so that He can transform us. If we are willing to let Him be the carpenter, He can blend the two half-houses together.” I have seen this in my own marriage as my husband and I have struggled through trials together. Ironically, some of these trials have actually made us stronger as a couple.

The outcome of our sacrifices in marriage will often bring forth blessing more abundant than we deserve. It may not be immediate to see the fruits of our labors but as we learn time and time again in the scriptures, “By small and simple things are great things brought to pass."

Vital Key to Marriage-FRIENDSHIP

 "Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday..."Is a quote from the classic movie, "The Princess Bride."  Much research has been done to figure out why some marriages stay together and why others fail. John M. Gottman is the author of a book called, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." He introduces the idea that the most important aspect of marriage is actually, friendship. This is an incredibly simple but profound principle. It just makes sense. When we are friends with someone, we care about their interests, we enjoy being together, we share secrets, we laugh, we cry, we eat, and we make memories. Friendships are a vital part of life. When our spouse is our best friend, this can truly be "the best of the best." 

As we are all well aware, no marriage is perfect. Men and women are different. We each have unique strengths, weaknesses, and abilities. When we commit to marriage, we live and learn together and experience successes and failures. One way we can enjoy greater happiness in marriage is to put our spouses' interests before our own. When we do this, we are putting off the natural man. In the Book of Mormon, specifically Mosiah 3:19, says, "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love..."   

This will take lots of practice but as we follow these steps, to be submissive, meek, humble, patient, and full of love, we will enjoy more unity in marriage, happiness in our families and love in our lives.

To finish the quote from the movie,

"Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam...And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva... So tweasure your wuv."

The Love Triangle- A Spiritual Perspective

As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are blessed to be taught by those who are called as prophets, apostles, and general authorities. They are directed by the Lord and we are promised that they will never lead us astray. Bruce C. Hafen, of the seventy, shares insightful council with regard to the marriage covenant we make in the temple. He contrasted this with the contract that one makes when they are married civilly. This is yet another example of the difference between a worldly view and a Godly perspective. Brother Hafen describes a contract companionship as one in which each partner gives 50%. However, in a covenant companionship, each spouse gives 100%.  As I pondered this idea, I contemplated how I can better be one that gives 100%. It really is a win-win situation. I can’t think of a drawback of being “all in.” In my experience, of being cognizant of the words I use, and the efforts to serve, love, and honor my spouse, I usually find it comes back to bless me tenfold.

President Russell M. Nelson continually encourages us to stay on the covenant path. Part of this covenant path is honoring the marriage covenant we make in the Lord’s holy house.  When we put Him first and center our lives on Jesus Christ, our marriages can be strengthened. David A Bednar beautifully taught that we can picture ourselves in our marriage relationship with the Lord at the center, in a triangle format, The Lord is at the top and each spouse on a bottom corner. As we look to him and walk the covenant path, we not only become more like Him, as we move toward Him, but as we do so, we become closer to each other as well. I appreciated this visual analogy. (See image below).

President Henry B. Eyring said "It is only with the companionship of the Holy Ghost that we can hope to be equally yoked in a marriage free from discord. I have seen how that companionship is crucial for felicity in marriage. The miracle of becoming one requires the help of heaven, and it takes time. Our goal is to live together forever in the presence of Heavenly Father and our Savior."  As we strengthen our covenant marriage relationship, not only will we be blessed but our families will reap the benefits as well.

Unfortunately, Satan is real and works hard at destroying the very thing he will never have. Brother Hafen describes three types of wolves that every marriage is tested by, natural adversity, our own imperfections, and excessive individualism. We will all face adversity. No one is immune. Our trials are given to help us recognize our dependence on the Lord, the love he has for us, and to help refine us in becoming like Him. In marriage, as we turn to each other for support in trials, they are easier to bear and bring us closer together.  None of us are perfect. In marriage, we can learn to be tolerant and communicate with one another, kindly, as we strive to overcome our weaknesses and imperfections. Finally, the world we live in is full of pressure to be selfish. This is not the Lord’s way, nor does it bring lasting happiness. With the Lord’s help, we can work at overcoming these various temptations. As we do so we will see the Lord guiding us in the right direction on the covenant path together that leads us back to Him.